Pro Wrestling

10 Ridiculous Quotes From An Incredibly Strange Raw Source:

Last night, Raw felt a bit off-kilter. Strange. Odd, even. There were inexplicable match results, odd pairings, weird occurrences, and open discussion of the Internet. Also, Chris Jericho actually wore a shirt underneath his vest this week. Somebody must have complained. At any rate, while all that was going on, there were definitely some good lines being delivered over the course of the show, that when taken almost completely out of context, almost underscore how weird last night’s Raw felt while watching it, but which also might help to explain what, exactly, was going on.

10. Dean Ambrose – “Take Me To Suplex City, Baby!”

We feel like we’re going to start asking this question more and more, but why is Dean Ambrose not the former Shield member getting the World title push? Honestly, after last night, Ambrose is coming off as the real star, while Reigns feels more and more like the sidekick. And since everything that happens in WWE is relentlessly scripted, there’s a small part of us that wants to believe that maybe that’s intentional? Last night, it was Ambrose, not Reigns, who confronted Brock Lesnar to open the show, and not only delivered a passionate speech about his tenacity and desire that felt entirely natural and had the crowd eating out of his hand, he managed to get Brock Lesnar to back down slightly using only well-chosen words. Then he went out and carried his team’s side of the main event and got the win himself. Meanwhile, Roman Reigns was barely a factor last night, which, if WWE remains committed to Reigns as the top guy, is both a good and bad choice. It’s good because it means Reigns wasn’t getting that smattering of boos that have been on the rise again since just before the Rumble. However, it’s bad because the more spotlight Ambrose gets, the more fans are going to get behind him, instead of his buddy. Source:

9. Lilian Garcia – “Grammy Award-Winning Tag Team of the Year”

Okay, so Lilian Garcia made an error and replaced “Slammy” with “Grammy”. It happens, it’s funny but understandable, and in fact, Lilian’s been making hilarious errors like this for her entire WWE career. We could probably find half a dozen YouTube compilations of her messing up if we wanted to (and we did, with one of the better examples shown below). Usually it’s just something for fans at home to go “Wait a minute, what did she just say?” and move on with the lives after a few laughs. But last night, WWE not only offered fans multiple replays of Lilian’s screw-up, the announce table spent the entire evening making jokes about it. First of all, if anyone shouldn’t be making cracks about doing a bad job, it’s the three talking heads who do mediocre (at best) commentary during Raw. But more importantly, what was gained by WWE constantly ragging on their ring announcer? It’s not part of an angle, it’s not (we assume) a prelude to her getting fired for incompetence, so what is the point of repeatedly calling one of your personnel an idiot? At least when they do it to wrestlers, they get opportunities to address it. What’s Lilian’s avenue for explanation? In the end, the whole thing came off as mean-spirited and fairly unprofessional.

8. AJ Styles – “Are You Gonna Let Me Talk Now?”

We’re going to say this as nicely as we can. AJ Styles is one of the best wrestlers in the world right now. He is, however, not one of the best talkers. Which is fine, because he doesn’t have to be, and that’s why his segment on Miz TV was done absolutely correctly, with Miz (who is almost a mirror image of AJ, a world-class mic worker but only passable in the ring) doing all of the talking, moving from promoting Styles to running him down, and Styles finally giving up trying to talk and knocking Miz out instead. In a single segment, the world at large (who may not all have heard of Styles before) was introduced to his body of work prior to WWE, given a reason to get behind him in the form of Miz being a gigantic ass, and got to see Styles show good fire in standing up to the overbearing movie “star”. They didn’t get to see Styles wrestle, but that’s okay, because he’s pretty much going to demolish Miz on Smackdown, which gives people a reason to watch that show for once. We’re still not sure how big a deal Styles will end up being in WWE, but you can’t argue that he isn’t being positioned to succeed. Source:

7. Brie Bella – “C’mon, Nikki!”

Okay, Brie never actually said that last night, because Nikki’s at home running up a credit card bill, but we thought we’d include a quote that exemplifies the role that Brie plays best: standing at ringside and cheering on the better wrestler in the family. Brie’s no Eva Marie, but she’s nowhere close to the wrestlers taking over the top of the division, which makes her clean pinfall victory (complete with incredibly bad roll-up) over the current Divas Champion create one of those pits of worry in our stomachs. Sure, it’s unlikely that Brie will actually be winning the Divas title any time soon. However, after last week, when we were looking at the prospect of consecutive Divas title feuds that didn’t involve the Bella Twins in any way for the first time in forever, to see Brie Bella suddenly be “in the mix for a title shot” (according to Michael Cole, which means according to Vince) is more than a little disheartening. We get that she’s on Total Divas, but for crying out loud, WWE, let someone non-Bella have a turn in the spotlight. Source:

6. Derek Zoolander – “I Can’t Understand A Word You’re Saying”

Seriously, there are literally trailers for Zoolander 2 running during Raw (we know, we saw them), and yet Tyler Breeze couldn’t get pushed out a window in this company. Rumors of backstage politics aside, he’s a guy who is playing a gimmick related to a popular movie character that has a film coming out shortly! That should at least get him some token wins on Raw and maybe an appearance by Ben Stiller, shouldn’t it? Could someone in WWE show Vince the Zoolander 2 trailer and explain to him the concept of cross-promotion, because he seems to have forgotten about all movies that aren’t actually being made by WWE (don’t forget to pick up Countdown, starring Dolph Ziggler and Kane, coming to a Wal Mart bargain bin near you). Actually, maybe you should show him the first Zoolander instead, because it only came out fifteen years ago, he might not have seen it yet. Source:

5. Kevin Owens – “This One’s For You, Cole!”

You know, we make jokes about Kevin Owens’ hilariously one-sided feud with Michael Cole, where he yells things at the beleaguered announcer while Cole seems confused about why he’s getting singled out. For all we know, it’s a gigantic inside joke between Cole and the wrestlers (Owens specifically targeting Cole and deliberately breaking his glasses during the Rumble, while Dean Ambrose stole Cole’s smartphone, would seem to suggest that there’s a certain level of conspiracy afoot). Whatever the case, after Raw, there is a distinct possibility that Kevin Owens’ next feud might actually be with Michael Cole. After a ridiculous loss to Dolph Ziggler, which is so unbelievable that we’re still not sure that it actually happened, Owens took his frustration out directly on Cole, yelling and throwing things. Assuming that we’re just killing time to set up Owens’ “real” Mania feud (which we’re still hoping is Sami Zayn), it sort of makes sense to have Owens’ obsession with Cole cost him matches, leading to a physical confrontation that sees someone save Cole from the wrath of the big Canadian. Maybe none of that’s true, but we had to figure out some way to justify Kevin Owens losing to Dolph Freaking Ziggler, who was beaten cleanly by Heath Slater a couple of weeks ago, in some way that doesn’t resemble horrible 50/50 booking done to justify another Ziggler-Owens match. Source:

4. Sasha Banks – “Unity!”

The reason this quote is ridiculous is because the minute Sasha Banks declared that she was back on her own, there was no chance that the dissolution of Team BAD was going to be a mutual affair. Everyone was being far too reasonable and logical, and you just know that sort of thing can’t exist in professional wrestling. Sure, it skirts a little close to the tired line about how all women in wrestling hate each other, but Sasha needed to rid herself of the anchors that were her teammates, and since they’re all bad girls, they were never going to be okay with being tossed aside. The most important thing is that the idiotic “team” concept that kicked off the much-maligned “Divas Revolution” is over, and they can continue working on the women as individual characters, instead of defining them by which faction they happen to be a part of. We don’t expect the Sasha-Becky pairing to be anything but temporary, because Sasha’s not going to team up with anyone out of anything but necessity, and Becky shouldn’t be trusting anyone so soon after her best friend betrayed her, but at least it might give us a second Divas match at Fastlane while Charlotte deals with (sigh) Brie Bella. Source:

3. R-Truth – “You’ve Got Poop On Your Foot!”

In case you’ve missed it, the ongoing story is that Goldust wants a tag team partner for some reason (didn’t he used to have a brother for that sort of thing?) and he wants it to be R-Truth for some reason. Admittedly, they are both endearingly insane and longtime veterans of the company (in case you’re interested, if and when they do team up, the combined age of their tag team will be exactly 90), and it’s not like either of them was doing anything else. But R-Truth is a little unsettled by Goldust, especially when he’s put in situations like finding Goldust hovering over a toilet without boots on. Why we’re filming R-Truth as he goes to the washroom is unclear, but at any rate, the two bounce off each other fairly well (to the point that we’re already worried that WWE will run their comedic misunderstandings into the ground at lightning speed) and would probably be a decent tag team. Our only real concern is why these two are getting to form a tag team when there are a bunch of already established teams in NXT who could make the jump tomorrow? The tag team division needs a rebuild after The New Day destroyed everyone in it by being awesome, but is pushing a Goldust-Truth team really the best solution they could come up with? Source:

2. Kofi Kingston – “What’s Fanfiction?”

Speaking of The New Day, in between managing to spotlight a kid wearing a non-WWE-owned Bullet Club t-shirt and asking for an explanation about fanfiction, they’re probably having an interesting day right about now. In fact, we can confirm that in regards to the second thing, thanks to Kofi’s Twitter account:

Let this be a lesson to everyone: you don’t want to know about fanfiction. Even if you think you do, you really don’t. And whether it’s offering to fight children “out of love” and providing another reminder of why we really should burn down the Internet one of these days, The New Day continue to be this awesome act consisting of three guys who clearly have the freedom to say whatever the heck they want. Heck, The Rock got all the media attention last week for going off script (and even some ratings in the bargain), maybe WWE should trust some of their more talented talkers more often. It’s clearly working for The New Day.

Unless they get punished for the kid in the Bullet Club shirt. Then you can ignore everything we just said.–dean-ambrose-vs.-big-e–kofi-kingston-photos?r30_r1_r1:page=1 Source:

1. Paul Heyman – “Is He Ever Far Away?”

Heyman is, of course, referring to Brock Lesnar, and as was brought up by the announcers, with Heyman doing commentary, the real problem is that it means Brock is running around by himself, getting up to who knows what. With the patriarch of the Wyatt Family not present (Bray and Bo Dallas were attending to a family emergency and weren’t even in the arena last night), Brock put off his Wyatt-hunting duties and decided to address Dean Ambrose’s assertion from the start of Raw, planting Ambrose with an F5 and seeing if he would get up afterwards (he did not, at least not by the time Raw went off the air). Once again, the real feud felt like it was between Ambrose and Lesnar, with Reigns kept completely out of the loop. Despite being healthy enough to factor into the finish of the main event, when Lesnar hit the ring, Reigns was nowhere to be seen. Obviously, there’s an ulterior motive of WWE continuing to not force the fans to choose between Reigns and Lesnar, but with Fastlane approaching, that day is inevitable, and it’s pretty clearly not going to go well for Reigns, who at this point is playing third banana in a feud supposedly designed to set him up to main event WrestleMania. Is there a twist in play that we don’t know about yet, or does WWE really think this is going to help Reigns become more popular? Source:

Stephen Randle

Stephen Randle

Stephen Randle is an avid wrestling and film fan. He's been writing about WWE, movies, and video games for Goliath since 2015.