Note: It probably goes without saying, but there are SPOILERS for pretty much all of Star Wars: The Force Awakens here.
Look, we all love the Emo Kylo Ren Twitter account at this point, which for those not in the know basically satirizes the main villain of The Force Awakens by tweeting out sad bits of teenage angst from his perspective. It’s pretty damn great.
Well, it looks like there’s a new king of Star Wars mopesville and it’s none other than series hero Luke Skywalker.
Here are a few samples of “Very Lonely Luke’s” bitter depression:
Probably the worst date I've ever been on was the time I almost died rescuing the girl of my dreams and she turned out to be my sister.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 5, 2016
Why is everyone I meet related to me?
That wheezing guy?
Dad
Hot chick in the toga?
Sister
That R2 unit?
Probably my son or something.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 4, 2016
I threw my favorite rock off a cliff.
That's not how I wanted things to go.
I didn't have a choice.
He knows what he did.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 4, 2016
Hmm, was the rock’s name Wilson, by chance?
Staring at the ocean isn't always the same.
One time I thought I saw something.
It turned out to be nothing.
It was an exciting day.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 4, 2016
He even found time to write-up a Yelp review of his surroundings:
My water planet Yelp review:
Lots of water.
Some rocks.
Too many stairs. Not handicap accessible
Nearest toilet light years away
1 star
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 4, 2016
This exchange with the Charmin Twitter account reigns supreme though:
Hey @Charmin, can you hook me up?
I came to this planet 20 years ago, and I only brought one roll.
Kind of a crisis here.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 3, 2016
I was counting on a resupply, @Charmin
You don't want to know what I've been using instead
OK, I'll tell you
Rocks
Pointy, jagged rocks
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 3, 2016
But hey, Luke isn’t just very lonely and sad. He’s also got a misplaced optimism streak a mile wide:
I haven't seen Kylo Ren in years.
I wonder if he's outgrown his Dark Side phase yet.
I bet he and Han worked things out.
Good for them.
— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) January 3, 2016
Wow, we hope Luke will be okay. Maybe Rey’s presence will help sort him out. Hopefully she remembered to bring the Charmin…
